Balthus Dire wakes from a terrible dream with a purple hippie variant of the Dark Mark. Given an invitation letter to the great Avian Dale's academy, he sets off to get there. Arriving at the pleasant enough-sounding Tithebury Cross, he undertakes his first quest; to put an end to the Curse of the Cornfields! Succeeding without too much bother, he acquires a presumably-useful-eventually Grime-Coated Key and learns of a troublesome witch in the lands. What awaits him next? Let's find out...
So yes, we're back for more Destiny Quest! If you need a more detailed reminder of what happened last time out, I point you in the direction of the last quest for the complete account, as well as a briefing on the ins and outs of Destiny Quest - I won't be doing that every post. I may at some point do a "Rules" post and stick it at the top of the Destiny Quest page for easy reference, but for now that is the place to go. What I will do, however, is remind you (and myself!) what state Balthus Dire is in at Quests' beginning and end.
Balthus Dire
Items
Main hand - The apprentice (Sword, +1 brawn)
Feet - Crow's feet (Feet, +1 speed, +1 magic)
Backpack - Grime-coated key
Money Pouch - 10 Gold Crowns
Attributes:
Speed - 1
Brawn - 1
Magic - 1
Armour - 0
Health - 30
So, we're nothing special at the moment, but hopefully soon Balthus Dire shall become one of the finest beings in the whole of Valeron! Shortly after stopping the curse of the cornfields, Balthus was inexplicably placed in stasis for 2 years. Remarkably, on exit from stasis everything was as it had been when he entered stasis. Indeed, nobody's dead Balthus! Before I head off to the next green quest on the map, I decide a trip to Tithebury's tavern is in order. I am presented with the choices of visiting the local market, The Pie and Black Bird or trundling over to a stone well, whereby a small congregation of villagers has gathered. As the book so kindly informs me the well visit starts a blue quest, which I remind you is supposedly of Hard difficulty, Balthus shies away towards the market. Tithebury's market consists of an apothecary, a clothier and a tinker, none of whom are in a tub, which is mildly disappointing. The apothecary had various single use items for sale that would heal me, raise my speed or raise my magic, but at 10 gold crowns a pot are too expensive for my liking at the moment. Politely telling him I'll come back later when I'm not poor, I head to the clothier. She has some rather interesting items that would improve a variety of attributes more permanently, but at 20 gold crowns a throw are even less affordable. However, if I acquire some items for her, she offers to fashion me some really snazzy gear. I shall now be on the look out for ragged boots, ragged cloaks, spindlesilk, bat leather and crocodile skin. Sounds rather witch-like, doesn't she? The tinker has useful items but is once again outside of my budget for now. He does, however, offer to bash together some crocodile skin and a damaged shield if I bring them to him. Thoroughly depressed at how poor I am, I head off to The Pie and Black Bird to get pissed.
When I first enter, I am drawn to a group of farmers chatting around a table, and Valeron's answer to Gambit sitting on his own in the corner. Heading first to the farmers, on the basis of hoping to find out more about the key I got last time, I am told to go hunt the witch. After that they turn their backs on me and essentially silently tell me to piss off. Charming. Gambit is more talkative, telling me that if I'm after treasure I should head for the graveyard, as it's cursed and there's rumours of a book buried beneath the church. Gripping stuff, but as the colour quest by the graveyard is blue, I'll just put that on my 'To do' list. I decide to place a wager of two gold crowns on his little game of cards. He apparently explains the rules of his game to me, but as the book decides to skip this liberty I shall just assume we are playing Blackjack for the sake of arguments. Initially we have a stalemate, forcing me to add a further gold crown to the bet. Fortunately my second hand is better and I win three gold crowns! Satisfied with my winnings, I bid Gambit farewell until my next visit and go visit the Barman. He confirms that it is not just the farmers who are blaming the witch for the bad weather, then suggests I'd be better off passing straight through Tithebury and be on my way. Now, I'm all for shortcuts, but progressing onto the second 'home world' without besting many quests is a sure-fire recipe for disaster. He also informs me there's a giant causing trouble on the eastern pass, cutting off trade routes. I guess I'll deal with him later. Before I leave, I ask him if he knows anything about this Avian Dale I'm on the lookout for. It would seem he lives in the castle across the gorge, yet is a mysterious fellow. He doesn't appear to age, which the barman suggests is a sign of magic, which in turn means I should stay away from him. He does give me directions to his castle though, although there's a slight snag. Some troll has made it's home on the bridge crossing the gorge, and I'll get my head pummelled in unless I pay the toll. Well, bugger. I have a pint of Hobgoblin then bid The Pie and Black Bird farewell.
That tavern aside took longer than expected. In future I'll only revisit to do the well quest, and to buy anything from the market when I can afford the better items. Now it is time to go on another quest. Now, it is time for Best in Show...
On my way past a row of thatched cottages, an elderly woman pruning a cherry tree welcomes me over and introduces herself. She is Beatrice Fletcher, five-time winner of Best Root Vegetable in Tithebury. She grows turnips of gargantuan proportion that would make chefs rub their hands in glee. This year, however, she has a rival. Step forward Martha Weevil, who, I quote, I "should see the size of her turnips." Heh. Beatrice produces a vial of liquid she got from a supposedly kind witch from the woods. Offered money to spray some of this liquid on Martha's giant turnips (behave, children) I can't help but feel this is not really the work of a mighty hero. Not to mention that it stinks of cheating. Telling Beatrice as much, I get an angry rant how Martha is using witchcraft to win the competition to get enough money to feed her seven children now she's widowed. Personally I don't see how that is in any way bad, but as refusing to help Beatrice ends the quest, I reluctantly head on over to Martha's house. Her garden is in a bad way, weeds and dying plants all over the place. True to Beatrice's word though, three enormous turnips are growing in the corner of the garden. As the book offers me no further opportunity for a change of heart, I pull the stopper off Beatrice's potion and sprinkle it lightly over the turnips for a gentle seasoning of what I assume is anti-grow. Unfortunately, it is now where things go pear-shaped turnip-shaped. Martha's turnips sprout legs, arms, a scary jagged mouth and advance towards me looking not-too-dissimilar to my old geography teacher. Well, Bugger. Without any swede shoes to feed the turnips, I engage them in swordplay. I get some very lucky rolls for my attack speed and dispatch the turnips in a mere three attack rounds, literally cutting the smile off their faces.
As I slash the last turnip open I am greeted by a spray of white fleshy pulp showering the ground. I can't confess to having ever sliced open a turnip but I can really picture this sight of a dying turnip and, perhaps worryingly, the thought of it dying so gives me a great deal of satisfaction. Rather predictably, my performance has attracted an audience. Two of Martha's children look unsurprisingly shocked at some randomer murdering their turnips, and a third has gone and got Martha herself. For the second time in a single entry, I find myself laughing as the book tells me that Martha's "eyes scan the scene of turnip devastation." Not a line I expected to ever read in a book. Ashamedly, I chickened out and decided to blame the turnips for the scene before her. Martha says she felt they were magic but is shocked as they were to feed her family, and is grateful I saved her children from digesting deadly turnips. At this point I feel immensely guilty. So much for Beatrice saying Martha was trying to beat her to the prize, cunning bitch. Confessing my sins to Martha, I am pleasantly surprised that she doesn't immediately assault me. Instead, the widow breaks down in front of me at the mention of Beatrice's name, thoroughly upset that her narrow-mindedness has killed the miracle that was the turnips she'd managed to grow in her otherwise crappy soil. My conscience getting the better of me, I agree to help Martha get her own back on Beatrice, feeling it's only fair. Martha's plan consists of collecting bits of dead turnip and cooking up a pie from the same magic. Fight turnip with turnip, if you will. This is perhaps a bit crueller though, as Martha explains that she wants Beatrice to eat this pie. Wondering what on earth I've let myself in for this time, I offer Martha 10 gold crowns after seeing the squalor she lives in. Poor woman only has a bag of flour and some eggs left now those turnips are gone. As I imagine Tithebury's council is about as competent as any current UK council, I suppose this is no real surprise to see such poverty existing, but I hope my offering will at least go some way towards keeping Martha's family alive. After the pie is baked, I head back to Beatrice's place to switch it with one of her own.
The pie smells delicious as I carry it back, wafts of sugar, spice and all things nice infiltrate my nostrils and it takes all my self-control to not take a bite myself. Probably for the best though, knowing what powers of sorcery lie within the pastry. Beatrice has a pie she baked herself on her windowsill, so I perform a little switcheroo and head back towards Martha's house. After all, I've learned my lesson about waiting around to see what happens when you use unknown magic on things. Unfortunately I am immediately met by a sprinting Martha, telling me she's had a change of heart. Gee thanks sweetheart, bit late for that. Bursting into Beatrice's cottage, I am met by a scene best described as a more morbid version of what happened to Aunt Marge in the third Harry Potter book. Beatrice is ballooning in size, but unlike Marge, is also turning into a turnip before our very eyes! Wary of what happened in Martha's garden, I draw my sword. Fortunately though, Beatrice merely turns into a perfectly normal turnip. As Martha points out, it's fitting in a way - Beatrice will win the vegetable competition now! Remembering my kindness at giving her some money, Martha removes her wedding ring and offers it to me. Slightly scared at being offered a wedding ring by someone I've just met, Martha reassures me it's the least I deserve, but says it hasn't bought her much luck. Thanks. However, this Widow's Band will boost my magic and also give me healing powers. Yay! Thus ends my quest, which was far more barmy than I could ever have anticipated.
Once again, the quest was small, and theoretically could've ended before it begun if I refused to help out Beatrice. Instead, helping out both women ending up causing me all sorts of vegetable chaos which reminded me of the feature length Wallace and Gromit film involving Gromit's prize marrow. I've included my journey through the tavern section below as well, although I won't be doing so on subsequent visits there.
Tavern: 6-46-56-46-68-85-46-175-46-6-11-75-11-16-128-54-24-67-11-19-42-245-53-84.
Quest: 22-148-63-241-289-211-236-13-200-78-261-9-255-38-104
My only fight was with Martha's turnips, who somehow had some armour:
Turnips - Speed: 0 Brawn: 0 Armour: 1 Health: 10
Balthus Dire
Items
Main hand - The apprentice (Sword, +1 brawn)
Feet - Crow's feet (Feet, +1 speed, +1 magic)
Backpack - Grime-coated key
Money Pouch - 10 Gold Crowns
Attributes:
Speed - 1
Brawn - 1
Magic - 1
Armour - 0
Health - 30
 |
| Today we visit the quest to the right of the tavern. |
 |
| An artists' impression of the tavern sign. |
That tavern aside took longer than expected. In future I'll only revisit to do the well quest, and to buy anything from the market when I can afford the better items. Now it is time to go on another quest. Now, it is time for Best in Show...
 |
| Killer turnips - only £4.99 from Tesco. |
As I slash the last turnip open I am greeted by a spray of white fleshy pulp showering the ground. I can't confess to having ever sliced open a turnip but I can really picture this sight of a dying turnip and, perhaps worryingly, the thought of it dying so gives me a great deal of satisfaction. Rather predictably, my performance has attracted an audience. Two of Martha's children look unsurprisingly shocked at some randomer murdering their turnips, and a third has gone and got Martha herself. For the second time in a single entry, I find myself laughing as the book tells me that Martha's "eyes scan the scene of turnip devastation." Not a line I expected to ever read in a book. Ashamedly, I chickened out and decided to blame the turnips for the scene before her. Martha says she felt they were magic but is shocked as they were to feed her family, and is grateful I saved her children from digesting deadly turnips. At this point I feel immensely guilty. So much for Beatrice saying Martha was trying to beat her to the prize, cunning bitch. Confessing my sins to Martha, I am pleasantly surprised that she doesn't immediately assault me. Instead, the widow breaks down in front of me at the mention of Beatrice's name, thoroughly upset that her narrow-mindedness has killed the miracle that was the turnips she'd managed to grow in her otherwise crappy soil. My conscience getting the better of me, I agree to help Martha get her own back on Beatrice, feeling it's only fair. Martha's plan consists of collecting bits of dead turnip and cooking up a pie from the same magic. Fight turnip with turnip, if you will. This is perhaps a bit crueller though, as Martha explains that she wants Beatrice to eat this pie. Wondering what on earth I've let myself in for this time, I offer Martha 10 gold crowns after seeing the squalor she lives in. Poor woman only has a bag of flour and some eggs left now those turnips are gone. As I imagine Tithebury's council is about as competent as any current UK council, I suppose this is no real surprise to see such poverty existing, but I hope my offering will at least go some way towards keeping Martha's family alive. After the pie is baked, I head back to Beatrice's place to switch it with one of her own.
 |
| I shall never look at a pie in the same way again. |
Once again, the quest was small, and theoretically could've ended before it begun if I refused to help out Beatrice. Instead, helping out both women ending up causing me all sorts of vegetable chaos which reminded me of the feature length Wallace and Gromit film involving Gromit's prize marrow. I've included my journey through the tavern section below as well, although I won't be doing so on subsequent visits there.
Tavern: 6-46-56-46-68-85-46-175-46-6-11-75-11-16-128-54-24-67-11-19-42-245-53-84.
Quest: 22-148-63-241-289-211-236-13-200-78-261-9-255-38-104
My only fight was with Martha's turnips, who somehow had some armour:
Turnips - Speed: 0 Brawn: 0 Armour: 1 Health: 10
As my speed is still only 1 at this point, any fight is still potentially devastating for Balthus. Hopefully I will soon acquire some items that enable me to be like Quicksilver, kicking arse all over Valeron. Martha's ring has boosted my overall stats though, for the cost of most of my money:
Balthus Dire
Items
Main hand - The apprentice (Sword, +1 brawn)
Feet - Crow's feet (Feet, +1 speed, +1 magic)
Ring - Widow's Band (Ring, +1 magic, Ability: Heal)
Backpack - Grime-coated key
Money Pouch - 3 Gold Crowns
Attributes:
Speed - 1
Brawn - 1
Magic - 2
Armour - 0
Health - 30
Items
Main hand - The apprentice (Sword, +1 brawn)
Feet - Crow's feet (Feet, +1 speed, +1 magic)
Ring - Widow's Band (Ring, +1 magic, Ability: Heal)
Backpack - Grime-coated key
Money Pouch - 3 Gold Crowns
Attributes:
Speed - 1
Brawn - 1
Magic - 2
Armour - 0
Health - 30
I am now better suited to fight with magic than my fists/sword for the time being. Having dabbled in magic in this quest though, I am currently scared of dabbling further. (Not very fitting for the namesake of my hero, eh?) Anyway, time for the return of...
HOW MUCH FIGHT WAS IN THIS FANTASY?
Monsters/other NPC encounters: Beatrice Fletcher, Martha Weevil, her killer turnips and her small armada of children. They are literally the only people encountered in the quest itself. I've never fought turnips in a gamebook before so I appreciate a change, and at least we get some development of the two women. They serve the quest well enough. 7/10
Storyline/Plot: More mentions of witchcraft at play, although not the big bad witch who caused me trouble in the cornfields. The paranoia of the villagers is starting to worry me though, as they seem to be on a bit of a witch hunt for anyone who does anything vaguely magical. Wonder if I'm next on the list. Never has the phrase "You are what you eat" been more valid than in this quest, either! I enjoyed the wackiness of the quest. 7/10
Difficulty: Even easier than the last one if I'm honest. 1/10.
Seal of Approval?: Destiny Quest II: The Turnips Strike Back. Perhaps would've been a better title for the post than my actual one, but this second quest on my journey was more enjoyable than the first due to more interesting characters and moments of humour caused by vegetable carnage. As a meat lover, slaying turnips was delightful. Not quite good enough to warrant a Seal of approval though, I'm afraid.
I'm still no closer to finding the Legion of Shadow, stuck completing petty quests for very little reward. The moral of this story? Simple.
Never help a woman in distress. It only causes more distress.
Only kidding guys. Although in the case of this quest, it was certainly relevant!
Difficulty: Even easier than the last one if I'm honest. 1/10.
Seal of Approval?: Destiny Quest II: The Turnips Strike Back. Perhaps would've been a better title for the post than my actual one, but this second quest on my journey was more enjoyable than the first due to more interesting characters and moments of humour caused by vegetable carnage. As a meat lover, slaying turnips was delightful. Not quite good enough to warrant a Seal of approval though, I'm afraid.
 |
| The only time I've ever enjoyed turnips. They're less deadly in Smash than in Valeron, though. |
Never help a woman in distress. It only causes more distress.
Only kidding guys. Although in the case of this quest, it was certainly relevant!
NEXT TIME ON
May Your Stamina Never Fail...
Staying in the world of Destiny Quest, Balthus Dire recreates Little Red Riding Hood with dangerous results...
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